Savasana

For a long time; not a lifetime, I went to a yoga class every single week, if not twice a week, if not 3 times. When I was in my full time job and my full time anxiety. and my &other stories size 8-10 dresses still thinking I was fat, I used to go to classes at 6 am then trot off to my 9-5 and sometimes go to a class on the way home. And if it wasn’t a class it would be drinks or dinner or you get what I’m saying some kind of PLAN.

In the last few months I’ve been commuting back to that same west london station but a different place, (why are so many companies in that dead end bit behind shep bush?) and I can absolutely not in this universe fathom doing a 6am class. I did it a couple of times, presumably to prove to myself that I could? but mostly it took all of my worldly energy to get up, get showered, decide what to wear that was equal parts comfortable but not my joggers (sigh) and made me look professional enough to charge my day rate. And then I had to be ON all day. From the moment of my arrival to the moment shrugging my coat back on, my pen pretty didn’t much leave the page (the Wacom) apart from when I got spinning wheel of doom and took this as a golden opportunity to treat myself to a wee and a splash of cold water to the face and off we go again.

My brain was so tired, fried, crispy bits from the chippy, that I had only one word inputs to give next to pals on the commute home. Once home, big sigh, cook an oven dinner because, speed, and flop, re watch a couple eps of friends, bed bed bed, rinse and repeat.

And it’s not like I suddenly got too tired for classes. Pilates pulls me back time and again cos my hyper mobile bod loves those tiny little muscle movements. And it’s not like one day I got up and decided yoga wasn’t for me or I didn’t like my teachers anymore, it’s really not that. I guess real life took over a bit, it was like the end of a film, cinematic music and a slow fade to black.

Now, I teach once a week, which used to be twice, and now it’s just once and I love it. I love the community that come time and time again. Even tho I’m terrible at remembering names but I remember the faces. I can sense the energy in the room and adjust it accordingly and I can say outloud that if you’re not feeling like you can do this pose, it won’t change your life, have a rest instead. And slowly over the years it’s become a lot less about the Bhagavad Gita and a lot more about shall we roll our shoulders a few more times till it feels really nice and unlocks a bit of the week you’ve carried into the room today.

I like the routine of it, I like the coffee I get after and the people in Jolene that know my name and sometimes give me free cake. I like seeing these people on the street or in the supermarket and asking about their day their lives. Once in a while someone leaves nice feedback like phenomenal class phenomonal teacher and once in a while someone leaves feedback like this teacher just wanted to go back to her bed. And you can’t be for everyone can you.

I think scanning back through the years the shift inside my body happened when I moved from practicer to teacher. Going to classes didn’t hold the same special magic as it once did because I knew what was coming. It was like sitting in the cinema next to someone who’s already seen the film whispering in your ear, ah you’re gonna love this bit, deep breath now there’s a hard horrible scene coming up, close your eyes etc etc etc. essentially I ruined it for myself :)

But something else has also happened over the years. Probably from drinking the coolaid in Peru and sleeping with c right before, convincing myself this was everything, the big fat ‘IT’ and coming back two weeks later having been messaging the whole time to find out he had a new gf and they’re now engaged :) and if you’re reading this universe, I haven’t given up entirely. I still believe in life after love.

But I guess the veil got thinner and thinner and then I had to let it slip entirely. I had to let go of the yogi spiritual babe, as a crutch I was using to mask my true personality.

Jess said this ‘we accidentally build personalities that then become cages’

And I said wow, and then c+p into this Substack. There are times in my day when my friends say something so profound that it’s like a gut punch, and I know I’ll cling onto it and regurgitate it as many times as I can before I wear it out. There are times in my day when I want to write out the lyrics to a song that’s peirced my heart and share it with everyone I know and question sorry, why aren’t you also on your knees about this?

What I’m trying to say is life really still hits me square between the eyebrows and I think wow wow wow. But what I don’t think about is my third eye, and feeling worthy to know anymore about it than that.

I think going to a class every week really helped me in the time that I did it in. It was right for right then, you know? It distracted me probably from being unhappy chained to a desk, from relationships that didn’t work. It kept my body lean and flexible and it gave me something to believe in outside of myself.

It was like wearing this coat of a belief system that I could apply to any situation and feel good about everything and everyone. Looking back I probably sounded like a holier than thou prick :) and in the last couple of years, not really through a big bang wham choice, but through gently unravelling, the coat started not to fit so well anymore and well, i took the coat off and decided to believe in myself instead.

In the sort of height of it all, and I mean I was never wearing kaftans and Kabala beads, but I probably wasn’t too many steps away from it, anyway in the height of it all I did the dosha test and came out kapha. And I probably did the test enough times until I made myself come out kapha. In Sri Lanka this time last year I went to see a medicine man, who I actually didn’t think was spiritual enough :) (aren’t I fun) anyway he told me I was a solid pitta vatta, all air and fire. Too much so actually, and avoid fried food and away you go. But what about crisps I cried into the jungle.

in those little bit faux kapha years, what I really did was I put out my fire and blow all my air in the wrong directions. I denied any part of me that wanted to speak up and say hey, little old me is not enjoying this so much. Because? Because I didn’t want to seem too much. I didn’t want to un align myself with being a calm cool collected understanding babe. I didn’t wanna stamp my feet a little too loud and put them off.

I didn’t really want to take up too much of your space and any of your time.

And well, now I do. Now I’ll happily scream into the kareoke Mic knowing my voice is the loudest, now I will say not for me thanks and bye. Now I will ask why are you avoiding this to men I barely know. Now I will say actually you know what, I’m not done, I have more to say. I want to be taken at my full 360 self, coat off.

Recently when discussing our hobbies I said mine are that of a 90 year old. I like cooking elaborate meals, baking, gardening and caring about the colour scheme of my bulbs, telly, and Taylor swift xxx. And Jess said but you wouldn’t say all that to a boy on a first date would you and I said, you know what yeah I would. Because I can’t pretend anymore, I don’t feel like hoodwinking people into liking me only to find out they never really did.

I still believe deeply in the power of yoga, the power of an hour to yourself off our godforsaken phones. The power of lying on the floor for our aching backs. The power of words, the power of just breathing a bit slower, the power of the energy of a room. Recently I’ve had some new to yoga people in my classes and after class 1 of 1 one of the girls cried, she said she found it really powerful and it released something. And I know that was sort of nothing to do with me and sort of everything to do with it being right for her right now. What I’m saying is it’s still magic, but maybe also taking things at face value is actually very magic. It doesn’t always have to be so deep.

I’m writing this from a cafe after going to my first yoga class of 2026. I went to a hot class, and I’m very well aware of its toxic history, so are they seemingly having changed their name to something Sanskrit and a lot more spiritually palatable. it’s 0 degrees and I’m not somewhere tropical like I was last year so I just wanted to feel warm. It was 26 poses, 25 actually because I couldn’t be bothered with crow and took an extra child’s pose instead and not really much more enlightening than that. About as spiritual as it got was the cool lavender flannel afterwards which was delightful actually, really all I needed.

I came in here actually to write my to do list and drum up some work for Jan, but instead this poured out of me, so hey, maybe I was a bit enlightened after all